Kundi dan Saga

Yang kurik itu kundi,
Yang merah itu saga,
Yang elok itu budi,
Yang indah itu bahasa.

The pantun above just suddenly crossed my mind for no particular reason.

I just found out that kurik means small, black dots, and they appear on kundi, which are biji saga that are not yet mature. The first 2 lines of kata pembayang is to distinguish between the young kundi and the mature red biji saga that we always see lying everywhere on the ground underneath the tree.

Just a little something to help contribute a sense of pride to the beauty of the Malay language, which is actually full of grace and bursting with meaning. If my command of the Malay language were much better, I'd blog in both Malay and English, just like Che Det.

Artistic Nudity

Hello! I just decided to fix my sucky light and shadow drawing skills so I went ahead and painted the above on Photoshop CS2. At first I was really ambitious and tried drawing my own picture and figuring out by myself where the light and the shadow should be.

Then I realised it was futile and searched for a picture on DeviantArt and found one really good one. I won't put the original image here though, because then you'd see that my drawing isn't all that similar to the first one. And a comparison will immediately make my painting look very, VERY ugly.

Listened to L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole the whole time and enjoyed every second of it, even though at the end of a few hours I was tapping my fingers impatiently because it's so hard to get it right.

Since it's my first attempt, I think I shouldn't be too hard on myself =p But I am certain that if I keep on doing this, I'd be an expert soon enough!



Recently I just discovered that maybe I am not really talented in drawing. I don't think drawing is something that I just 'have' the knack for. Like writing.

It's just something that I 'love'. God gave me this love for drawing, that I never stopped drawing since I was little.

I don't think I am a very disciplined person at all. But I am disciplined when I draw. I don't know how many papers I've used to draw the same things, again and again and again.

I remember asking for A4 papers that are used on one side only from my mom and dad so I could draw on the clean side. And I drew every single day.

Now that I think about it, my drawing wasn't always good. And even now, there are so many things that I am not good at. Like perspective, proportion, a sense of wholeness, blending characters with surroundings... So many things.

But I want to be good at all of them. I want to master the skill of drawing, and I will. And I'll make the best graphic novel out there and win an award for it.

I don't care that other people are more gifted than I am in drawing. Hard work counts, and hard work pays, and when it comes to drawing, I work hard. And it's one thing that I can be proud of, if I can't be proud of any of my other achievements. It's true that when you love something, you make time for it.

I will be better everyday. Even though sometimes I feel like I'll never amount to anything, and that it's stupid to continue drawing when there are so many people who are better at it than me. But like the white knight says, if you don't shoot at the sun, it is natural that you will not be able to reach it.

My babies drive me crazy

Values.

All of us have values. We prioritise different things, we believe in different things and often, value is the very reason why people kill each other. Because we don't understand each other, even when we try so hard - things just don't work out. We can't make the other person see things the way we do. And we can't see things they way they do.

It's a colourful world we live in, and that makes it all the more interesting and challenging.

The topic of value is such a sensitive thing, that most people would try to avoid discussing it. Even among family members and close friends.

Family ties. Friendship.

I'd like to think I know a thing or two about friendship.

I've made several friends in the past, and lost several friends in the past. I still have friends now, and doing my best to retain the good ones I have.

But it's such a hard thing, friendship, when you get close enough to see their values first hand.

In all my life, my values have never been tested this much.

Most of the time, it is so easy to forget the differences of values between friends, because when you get close, you expect them to be like you.

But no two people are the same.

And I am slowly learning to accept that.

Sometimes, when you love someone so much, you want them to be safe and you want them to do the right thing. But what is the right thing? Just because someone you love does something that you think is outrageous, does it give you the right to tell them it's wrong?

Where is the line between that person doing something wrong, and that person doing something that you would not do?

It is easy to say, if your friend is raping someone, then to hell with values, it's wrong.

But the thing with real life is, things are never clear cut. For believers, they can turn to God for guidance. But guidance is a cryptic thing, and in the end the very thing that dictates our behaviour goes back to values. There are many Muslims in this world who think they have guidance from God and are doing the right thing, and yet among Muslims themselves, they are always at each other's throats.

And my point is, it is not easy. Love is a dangerous thing, especially when shared with people of differing values. Love comes with a feeling of protectiveness, of always looking out for your loved ones, of wanting them to do the 'right' thing.

So when a bomb drops, exposing the stark differences in values between you and your friends, how do you embrace this difference?

To continue loving them is not the problem. In fact it is because the love is there that it is the problem.

If you stand by and watch your friends do certain things that are so wrong to you, but not necessarily wrong (because no one knows that), does that make you a terrible friend? Does that mean you have stopped caring?

And that is the question. In the end, you just say things like, "I will not tell you how to lead your life. But you know how I feel about it."

The problem is still not solved. Or maybe it's not meant to be, because things will remain different no matter what you do.

So I think it's how you work your way around it, fitting yourself in a niche that allows you to accept these differences defines the kind of friend you are.

I think I've found my answer.

Thank you for reading.

Good girl

I feel very proud of myself. Since I got back, I haven't ordered anything from ASOS.com and I have not bought one single clothing for myself. And Dedi I think you should too.

I have, however, spent 30 quids for 5 books from Books Direct, 9 quids for a 1 month RapidShare account, 20 quids for this storage thingy with wheels, 28 quids for a brand new Fatal1ty headphone with mic (mine's broken) and that totals to about... GBP 87. Ouch. But they're not clothes! And I need them! Really! Apart from the story books... And the RapidShare account I guess.

But still! I've browsed ASOS.com some 500 million times since I got back and many times, I found myself thinking, "What the heck am I doing, it's not like I need any of these things desperately. In fact I don't need them at all." And I closed the window. Yeap, just like that.



On a different note, my cough is getting much, much worse, and right now I am drinking this lemon flavoured cough mix Migle just gave me and it tastes egh! But I hope it helps much more than the stupid Strepsils I bought, I stopped taking them when I realised I overdosed myself. It says there, 1 Strepsils per 2-3 hours. I take 1 every 15 minutes because I keep coughing. Now I don't anymore and overdose myself with water.

I hate this so much, being the one coughing the loudest in the huge lecture room. And the one going out in the middle of a tutorial because one of my coughing frenzy decided to catch on just when I was animatedly discussing the effectiveness of demarketing by the public sector (for once, when I actually have something to say during tutorials).

Egh this coughing mix is disgusting!

I know I'm such a baby but there's still so much to finish!



Anyway, with my RapidShare account, I downloaded so many movies. I watched Forrest Gump again, Bridget Jones 1 and 2, My Girl 1 and 2, Empire Records, Bedazzled, Jane Eyre, Keeping The Faith, Talentime, downloaded music albums and tonight, I think I'm going to download Robin Hood, the one with Kevin Costner in it. One of my favourites. And maybe Cave Of The Golden Rose as well, God I love that one.

I think my post this time is really pointless and boring, but I just wanted to write something.

And I think my job is alright. Press release is harder than I thought. And my colleague has agreed to pick me up and send me home every Tuesday because we live nearby. Now I can save money on transport, yeay!

Assim (my boss) told me I'm polite and quiet. I guess that means I'm supposed to talk more? But I do ask him a lot of questions. He complains that the office is too quiet. Well everyone's busy and I can't think when I talk.

Aisyah, Happy Birthday sweetheart. I'm sorry your card won't be there in time. But I just wanna say I love you very, very much, and if I had a little bit more money than I do now, I wouldn't hesitate to buy you the best gift in the world. Maybe when I have stopped living off my dad's money, I can buy things for people and not feel guilty all the time.

Alright, studying time!

Frosty sun

It's coming. Winter is just around that very corner, approaching fast.

But unpredictable as always.

It's so sunny outside, giving me false hope about the temperature associated with sunny days - it's almost freezing outside. It's time to take out my scarf, leg warmers, winter coat and boots.

And I think I'm getting a cold. I feel this huge impulse to whine and cry about it like a little girl, take 2 chlorpheniramine tablets and slip into bed and fall asleep effortlessly and wake up with a dry, stiff nose.

And tomorrow is work day. Godammit, why?

The bright side of it is my boss allowed me to wear casual clothes for work. Which means trainers and jeans - and my favourite lily hair clips. That will brighten up my day quite a lot, I should think.



I think I better start on my essays now.

Bouncing right back!

Negativity! Negativity!

What is this? What is this?

I have no time to mope around! I got work to do!

And I am starting by ordering chicken burger, 5 pieces of potato skin loaded with cheese and 6 pieces of chicken nuggets. I am going to do my laundry, and when the food gets here, I am going to eat it while watching Talentime.

And then work.

Hohoho.

Lisa is back! With more gusto than ever before and it takes moar than a stupid insect repellent to repel MOI! Gaarrrrr chom chom chom!

Vertigo

I feel so stressed out. It always feels like I'm trying to achieve too much. Maybe what I read in that big great book of How To Study is right. Setting unreasonable goals for myself will inevitably cause me to not achieve it. I always thought that if I aim for the moon, I'd still fall among the stars if I missed.

But looking at it in a different way, missing the moon is a form of failure. Practice makes perfect. I practice to fail by setting goals that are too high and constantly missing it. Maybe it's causing me to feel inadequate now. Maybe it's causing me to feel that I can't do anything after all. Maybe the University of Nottingham should have always been the moon, and not the stars. Maybe a lot more things should've been the moon.

Maybe I am not handling too much now. I am handling what every final year student is handling, if not less. I lock myself in my room everyday and try to be more studious, even though it doesn't always work everyday. I surf the web everyday for graduate placements, internship, apprenticeship, anything you call it, filtering through advertisements and staring at application forms. Everything feels like a whirl. I can't ask anyone what to do because when I did, I get the same reply. It's something I have to figure out for myself.

This will sound unappreciative and whiny, but from where I am standing right now (which feels much like in the middle of a ravine), everyone seems better off. I was sitting quietly in the lecture room one day and heard my friends talking about looking for work after they graduate, and they seem to know what they want. Some want to stay within East Midlands, some want to go back to their home country and work there because they cannot stand this country, some want to pursue postgraduate studies, some know everything there is to know about Accenture/KPMG/Morgan Stanley and know exactly in which department they want to be; Accounting (God forbid), HR, Sales and Marketing, Consultancy. Some students seem to me like walking checklists to these huge corporations, so sure of themselves, having all the relevant experiences since high school, being involved in so and so organisations, spearheading campaigns of immense importance at organisational level.

And here I am, jack, barely a jack of all trades, with random little experiences in field marketing, writing, volunteering, yet to be accomplished webcomic, non-existent portfolio of my creative talents, mediocre musical and photoshop skills and unfocused writing in this stupid little blog that is only read by a handful of careful friends and family members who love me too much to ignore my pointless rantings.

Why am I so unsure? That little article written by my senior and published in a Malaysian newspaper about not fitting in any category but this odd little niche she found for herself was definitely inspiring, and a kind of feeling I can relate to. But she is right now working at Canary Wharf in London in one of those big accounting/consultancy firms. Something I absolutely cannot relate to.

Should I just grit my teeth and apply for these advertised placements anyway?

Looking at the job description, I'd be wasting my time and their time. If I do enough research and prep myself up really good, they might believe that working in Sales & Marketing is something that I've loved doing since I first sold lemonade as a little Brownie scout girl.

I took one glance at these things and I know I don't like it. In fact, I didn't just take a glance. I read through so many of them in such detail, for so many days now, again and again in hopes that maybe I'd change my mind about how I feel.

My dad told me in an email that I should look for something I like. Abang Ja told me I can't be choosy. The guy in the skills workshop told me not to waste my time with companies I'm not interested in. I agree with all of them.

What the heck should I do?












So far I've only applied to one small firm for a temporary internship in Nottingham. I haven't applied for a job after I graduate. I am so scared. Scared I will not get through in the end, or get stuck in something not worthwhile for 2 years. The internship will help decorate my CV a bit more, show a bit more strength in writing.

October is almost over. Most big companies will close application soon.

Something is so not right, right now. I am rushing against time, and I am still majorly confused. All general idea and feeling I used to have about this job or that job has dematerialised. Now it's just void and I have no proper direction. I need help so badly and I am signing up for random career events and presentations. Am I wasting my time?

And in my final year, I am attempting my final over the moon, moon. When I told my personal tutor what I want to achieve this year, she gave me a surprised look. "That is very ambitious," she said. "But I never tell my students something is impossible when it is technically possible."

Talk about diplomacy, heh. We both know what the chances are. I know it more than anyone else. But still I have to try.